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Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
It`s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Just once I’d like to learn something the easy way.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I`ll be notified immediately.
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice!
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" he infact did.
Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones.
You shouldn`t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.