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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high.
Of course women dont fart. They never shut up long enough to build up pressure
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
Sometimes I really think I have my life together...and then I realize my underwear is on inside-out.
The great thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors.
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.
Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”