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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...
The sense of success when you’ve had something stuck between your teeth and you manage to free it after 25 mins of tactical tongue pressure.
Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...
Can someone`s face be a pet peeve?
I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
All I`m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wool sweater. I didn`t even know they knew how to knit.
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
I live in a small town where the population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregant a guy leaves town.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
Days that I don’t have to care about my appearance are my favorite days.
Things that make you go Mmmmmmm - Duct Tape
Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.