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Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
only fights if pillows are present.
April Fools Day has been cancelled this year.
I try to live by two rules: 1. Don’t make fun of stupid people (they cant help it) 2. Don’t be stupid (people will make fun of you)
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
If you`re a girl and you drink Vodka... there`s a high probability, I love you.
If I`ve offended you in the past, please accept my apology, and shove it up your a$$.
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know I’m delicious but damn.
I procrastinate so much I’ll probably put off death and never die.
We should be thanking our Dads for bringing us into the world, not our Moms. She probably wasn`t in the mood...