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I hate those idiots with those bright halogen lights that are blinding, at least they can see my one finger salute.
When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
"I don`t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others` lives sounds fun!" - How I got out of jury duty
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
So many feelings today. Mostly hunger.
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
It`s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
There’s a good reason I’m up this late: because I have to wake up really early.
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.