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When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
It may look like Iām having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time Iām just thinking about what food Iām going to eat later.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for most of you.
"The more the merrier": My excuse for extra food.
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those meds.
Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.
My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.
I prefer a slowie not a quickie.
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.