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Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don`t make a right. Tomorrow I`m going to try three.
You know it`s a good night when you wake up with gum in your bellybutton.
Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case.. coincidence?
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
ever wonder if one day somebody will come knocking on your door and say “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?"
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon.