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FYI: Taking permanent marker and writting Aeropostale on Fruit of the Loom tee shirts will NOT fool your teenager.
Boys are like roses, watch out for the pr!cks...
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
Liquor makes me happy, You ..... not so much.
The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin McAllister because I`m always going home alone
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
my stomach just growled and it sounded like it said... `Droid`....
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
Girls these days be like `I wanna get the Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet`N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice tan look`
Hope dogs are kissing us and not trying to see if we started tasting good yet.
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.