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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
There’s a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.
My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
I don`t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGI Friday`s once a month and glue more sh!t to the wall, no one notices, try it
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
I`ve officially met everyone`s mother yesterday via Facebook so I`m pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies
One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?