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Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
I`m sorry but sh!ts and giggles don`t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
Diamonds are the hardest substance in the world ... to get back from a woman
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
ALERT: Missing Unicorn...if you find it, you`re probably high
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
I`m out like a fat kid playing dodge ball..