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How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
If you are having anxiety over something you`ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
My inner child is a drunken whore
Dear person reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
Come on snooze button, is 9 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
If couples who are in love are called `love birds.` Then couples who always argue should be called `angry birds.`
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.