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Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
I`m running out of people I can tolerate!
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
There’s always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go “damn, calm the f*ck down!”
Don`t put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
Tony Soprano dead....Whitey Bulger on trial...coincidence??? I think not!
My favorite thing around the holidays is being put into a group message with 200 people reply "Who`s This"
You might think you`re smart until you try using someone else`s microwave.
From all these shows I`ve watched it seems like snipers lay down a lot of the day....I`d probably be pretty good at that job.
Going to Colorado this weekend to go ... "Hiking"
Trying to be less negative but it`ll never work.
I need a new bad decision.