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I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
Is it just me, or do mirrors look really sexy?
Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.