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Don`t rush me. I`m waiting for the last minute.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
hmm ... I wonder what I´m thinking?
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
Childless people wondering what it`s like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
Please tell me I’m not the only one who opens up their Hershey Kisses ever so gently so that the foil doesn’t tear.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
I just want you to be happy. And naked.
Please don`t come to my garage sale if you`ve ever let me borrow something.
I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a chickens butt and think...`That looks tasty, I`m gonna eat that.`