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Its a shame I don`t have 5 incomes to go with my 5 personalities.. Damn free loaders
There`s no life problem that a good "F*ck this shit" can`t solve.
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
You win some, you lose some, and if you`re lucky, you get some.
Karma takes too long ..... I`d rather beat the sh%t out of you.
Sometimes there just aren’t enough curse words.
Euphoria....the feeling you get when you finally beat "that" level on Candy Crush.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds ... How is that person still alive?
You`ll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I`m the proud owner of aisle 7.
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.