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Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
If you got up this morning and ran straight to fb i am 100% POSITIVE its because you missed me.
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
Did you ever notice how a woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I’ll be home in 5min” are one and the same?
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
I`m not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
I`m tired of things costing money
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I`m at her place showing her how to open it.
I`m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
If I say "I don`t know, let me look", I`m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you`re on hold.