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The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
Ya Know, if I was Jessie`s Girl. I would of dumped Jessie for Rick Springfield!!
I`m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...
I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.
Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can`t spell.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
Talk to me long enough and you`ll realize why I`m single.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
All I want is to see you smile...that and maybe a pizza.
If your pet has its own FB page, it might be time for a reality check...
The best part of an argument is the make up sex...unless you`re fighting with your brother.
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?