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If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.
My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
I`m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone
I just awesomed all over the place.
Damn you auto correct mind your business.
The only instant messaging I enjoy is with my middle finger.
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
If you ever think someone’s too cute to talk to just remember that they poop too.
If he remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs
Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.
They`re all cop cars when you`re this high.
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.