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Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
"How much for the man cave?" "Sir that`s a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"
I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
If you`ve lost your appetite today, I think I have it.
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
I ordered some bubble wrap online. It arrived in a box surrounded by packing peanuts.
Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.
I have a PHD (Pretty Huge d*ck)
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I am sweet, lovable, kind, shy, and innocent ... Oh, for heaven`s sake! Stop laughing!
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.