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Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.
Old enough to know better, young enough to take a dare...
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
I know the voices ain`t really, but man, do they ever come up with some great ideas.
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
You know what’s easy? ... Opening another beer
Why is it when I flush the toilet in the middle of the night, I have a feeling I woke up the entire neighbourhood?
A nice kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.