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Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
If you can`t think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you`re bilingual instead of an idiot.
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
#1738 "The fact that people use the wrong "your" and "there" yet spell "Bieber" correctly bothers me."-dd
I’ll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time.
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.
I always write `wake up` on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day