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My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
Since there’s only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
If you can’t face it, moon it.
I bought my mother in-law one of those atomic clocks. I can`t wait for the alarm to go off.
A married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn´t surprising really, since it isn´t my birthday.
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
I bet the Fantastic 4 were just pretending to have a girl in the group. "Uh yeah she`s just invisible right now. She`s totally real though."
That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome.