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It`s the simple things that make me laugh....mostly you.
I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
This post is just for you.
Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you`re a vegetarian.
My wife and I decided not to have children. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
“I demand a recount.” – Me, in a nugget dispute at McDonald’s.
U still drunk from last night or did u get a new buzz going this morning.
My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" is super-romantic. But the cops didn`t think so.
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.