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If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke breaks a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
When I become president I will make Monday a part of the weekend.
you know what sucks about being a "chubby guy"....when your girlfriend wants to play with YOUR boobs :)
“I” before “E” especially after “P”. Mmmm pie
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
"Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt? - You`re wondering now!!!"