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wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don`t solve riddles that open portals to Hell.
why are the foods you want eat late at night in loud crackling wrappers?
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
I put the b!tch in the kitchen.~ last thing I remember saying before I woke up in the hospital.
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
Love is... saving money to buy her shoes!
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers
Wonders why there´s an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?
Why do we call it the Sun instead of a space heater?