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Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
“Do you have a charger?” is the new “Could I bum a cigarette?”
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers.
It`s a little known made up fact of mine that 40% of the air inside a Taco Bell is just farts.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.
Whoever said you can`t "like" your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.
Get Dora and Boots on this missing plane case now, Dora solves the case everytime