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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
I hate Cheetos stains on my peignoir.........
Sleeping is so difficult when you have a world awake in your phone.
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
What happens in Vegas never happens to me
What a lovely winter we`re having this spring.
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
I just realized that I haven`t done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it`s all about.
if your morning beverage isn`t half booze/half coffee, you`re doing Saturday wrong.