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I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
Let`s go to my place and do the things I`ll tell everyone we did anyway.
My internet goes out more than I do.
To be Frank, I`ll have to change my name.
Soup of the day: Beer
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
All my life I thought air was free… and then I bought a bag of chips. ^^
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
awkward moment when the dentist is talking to you with his hands on your mouth
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.