Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
If you could have all of Bill Gates` money or world peace, what colour would your Lamborghini be?
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
Shouldn`t there have been one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
I didn`t see anyone important yesterday, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes today.
I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
I think I`ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who`s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
Key to a Happy Life: Get a job where people ask, “You actually get paid for doing this?”
On a scale of 1-10, I give this day a middle finger.
Illiterate? Well then sign up today for free online reading classes!
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver