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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
Live today like it`s your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn`t.
The good thing about being tall is, you can`t get lost in a crowd. The bad thing is, you can`t get lost in a crowd.
!f yhu T@k yk d!$, then dont talk to me.
"Being naked isn`t fun" - said no one ever.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions...
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
Dude, next time you wanna wave at me, please use more than one finger.
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
Good Morning! A fresh cup of hot coffee and my FB page is up, just look at that, I already achieved all my goals for the day.