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I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you`re a vegetarian.
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I`m like, that`s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I`m more fun than I actually am
I would unfriend you but I enjoy laughing at your life.
A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.
Weekends will from now on begin on Wednesday because that is when it should truly begin!
Who ever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard!
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"…