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“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
After dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that`s not done at this hotel....
The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no coffee. And without coffee, I`ll kill you all.
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
It makes me sad that the closest I`ll ever get to `hulking out` is splitting my trousers when I bend over.
How come they didn`t call this years game the BUD bowl?
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."