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I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
Yes I have a dirty mind ... And you`re on it!
"No comment" - said no woman, ever
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps "Latest Speculative News" or "We Really Don`t Know Shit" would work. CNN call me.
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
I’d go to the gym but I’m still tinkering with the ultimate workout playlist I started three years ago.
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
I hope these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water because that’s how many times I need to flush.
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
I`m tired of hearing about Republicans this and Democrats that. For Christ`s sake people, don`t you realize on July 15th the Twinkie comes back?!?!?!?!
Who ever says "words can`t hurt you" has never been hit in the face with a dictionary.