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Sometimes, I use big words I don`t always fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
Nipples: Nature`s thermometer.
I never make stupid mistakes ... only very clever ones
Girl: I am not having having s@x with guys at the moment. Boy:I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
It doesn`t matter how old you are, If you hear the ice cream truck jingle you jump out the window for that sh!t.
If you don`t boo at people after bad sex, how do you expect to motivate them to get better?
The whole purpose of vacationing is to make you appreciate knowing where the channels are at home.
Be good to your nieces and nephews. One day you`ll need them to smuggle alcohol into your nursing home.
I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
My boss doesn’t like it when I play slavery songs at work….
I`d like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.