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Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
I don’t want to go to work. There are people there.
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.
You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I`m telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.
Knock knock Who`s there? Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.
I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.
People that do stuff- what’s your secret?