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Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
The only thing I hate about beer is that there`s absolutely nothing I hate about beer... :)
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
Don`t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
I hate bugs that fly, jump, crawl, dougie, twerk, 2 step, all that crap.
I`m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
I`m still trying to get over the fact that oranges are pre-sliced by nature.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
I got kicked out of a fancy dress party on the weekend, because I was wearing nothing but a red shirt. Not my fault nobody has heard of Winnie the Pooh!!
I’m glad to know that we will never have to worry about a lack of weathermen. I mean, I know at least a couple dozen on Facebook.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone