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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
How do I tell my boss I don`t want to do work anymore but still want money.
I don`t smoke,i don`t drink,don`t do drugs. I only have one small problem, i lie.
It’s not that I’m old, your music really does suck.
I`m curious: Do girls shake the gasoline nozzle when they`re taking it out of their cars too?
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn`t eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he couldn`t whine on FB.
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
Don`t hate me because I`m beautiful. Hate me because your man thinks I am.
When we married, she treated me like a God. As time went by, the letters got reversed
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
Campers: Nature`s way of feeding mosquitoes.
Probably a good thing I`m not a ghost cause I`d just stay in the kitchen and scare people then eat all their food.