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Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`. I`ll definitely turn around and look.
Sometimes all you need, is 500 million dollars.
Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?
Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes