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Vegetables are a must on my diet. I am eating Carrot cake, Zucchini bread and Pumpkin pie.
McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
"Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas."
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.