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You don`t see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don`t see psychics winning the lottery every week.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
Yes, bitches be trippin’ but maybe I pushed one.
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
If you attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt it would be a waist of time.
Jogging backwards because I`m trying to gain a little weight
Holy sh*t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?
Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk...
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
News flash! someone just found Carmon Sandiego!
If you can`t handle me at my worst, then that sucks because that`s all there is to me.
I just wanna find a girl who loves me for my money. That way I wouldn`t feel bad for loving her for her body.