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I swear that logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
I will stop eating ice cream out of the container once I make it completely level.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
You don`t look like 200 likes in person
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn`t make you a TV star.
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
When someone says I love you over the phone and you don`t feel the same, just say `I love youtube` but say it really fast!
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
My girlfriend isn`t much of a wrestler but you should see her box!!
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.