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Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
I`m running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
Guys i did not copy or edit this status of mine.Please believe this is my own idea!
I´m on a whisky diet. I´ve lost three days already!
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
People who say "Don`t mix drugs with alcohol"" ... they`re stupid, right?
Do you ever wish that you could just unmeet someone.
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.