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Probably the most exciting feature on the new Iphone is the way it upgrades simple phone theft into full on finger removal.
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
You call it multiple personality disorder... I call it being mayor of the little town in my head!
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
If you`re wondering why you`re single, date someone. You`ll remember
I want to grow old and disgusting with you.
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
Want someone to stop texting you? Sleep with them.
Next time you`re down in the dumps...pick me up a spare tire!