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Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.
I don`t hate anyone. I just don`t like people.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
why me is me ?
From now on, I will be replacing the word `sh*t` with `sugar` in my facebook statuses, so that I don`t come across as being so f*cking vulgar all the time.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most
When one door closes, another opens ... I had a Chevette that was like that.
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.
If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to.