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I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere. After that we NEVER played monopoly again.
something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow
We can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I`m still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you`ll have good luck. Or some kind of virus because pennies are dirty and gross.
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
If you touch your phone in the right places, a pizza will arrive at your door.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Next time you`re in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.
I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.
I am NOT high maintenance, I simply have more preferences than most.
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
Kinda funny how the Mayans said we were all gonna die in 2012, but they all disappeared way before us.
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.