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Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
I have to admit my heart broke a little when I heard the lady at Starbucks call the guy in line behind me "sweetie" too.
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
I can`t wait to procrastinate.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
Sure thing.... follow me... I`ll show you the fastest way to get to nowhere.
There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes……how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?