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I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I don`t eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I`ll have to $hit more at work.
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
Rawwrrr means I love you in dinosaur. Everyone knows that, silly
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I found the "one" today! Surprisingly, It`s been on my keyboard all the time.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
How much Hershey`s Chocolate Syrup can I add before it`s really not a SlimFast shake anymore?
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
I am sweet, lovable, kind, shy, and innocent ... Oh, for heaven`s sake! Stop laughing!