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Honesty is the best policy, unless you`re trying to return something that you`ve already worn.
When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
This Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that if you encounter enemies then you’re going the right way.
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
I`m so bitchy right now ... I won`t even talk to myself!!
My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
Facebook should make it to where it says, `Went from being in a relationship` to `Problem solved.`
Anyone who calls it a "day off with the kids"... Either has no kids or doesn`t know what "day off" means.