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If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update bar as the search bar on my browser.
I never care whether or not my glass is half full or half empty... cause I drink straight from the bottle!
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.
Drank way too much beer last night. Didn`t leave any for this morning.
Is it just me, or did anyone else wake up on the SEXY side of the bed this morning?