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Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
Can you imagine if Facebook just decided to shut down and you see all these confused teenagers coming out of their house squinting at the sun/
RAIN!!!! :) I guess my rain dances must have worked. Some people call it stumbling around... I call it rain dancing.
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
that awkward moment when your pulling the covers up and hit yourself in the damn face !!!
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
Just knowing that I have successfully pissed you off again makes my day.
I always tell the person at the drive-thru that they are so much prettier than I pictured them when I was ordering.
I like to follow random families around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all their photos.
So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, Iām really disappointed with Bill Gates.
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.