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Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
Ran out of post-it notes, now I don`t know how to remind myself to buy more.
I wonder how many dads named their sons Luke just so they can say "Luke, I am your father."....
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
I had cheese, but no crackers ... I was cracka-lackin
The worst about the weekend?? The ending part.
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
loves poetry, long walks and poking dead things with a stick.
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
Why do the 5 seconds I have to wait before I can "skip ad" last 30 seconds?
I was always a believer in evolution....then I spent an hour at Walmart and now I`m not so sure
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........