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I have thought a lot about it and I am thrilled to announce that I have decided to never die.
At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don’t trust women.
My trust issues began when there was no donkey in Donkey Kong.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
I just realized that the only time I`m good at dancing is when I`m about to pee my pants
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I don`t know why people say "your guess is as good as mine"? ..because my guesses are always better. ;)
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
Find someone who is honest, laughs when you make fun of them, and then give each other orgasms.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I`m so confused
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]
Trivia - It turns out that Alexander the Great was not all that great. But in those days, nobody had the guts to call him Alexander the SO-SO
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.