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It`s pretty cool how vodka always has such `great` ideas.
I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
Omg!! got 6 numbers on the Lotto.. and the stupid machine didn´t pick any of them
Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing
Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
In space they just call it "Jam"
If you`re ever held at gun point, just remember, I`m behind you 100%.
It must really suck to take life so seriously that you can’t enjoy it.
Guys would stay home longer if boobs came in a 30 pack.
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
I`d go to church if they had Wi-Fi.
I shake my bottled water so the H`s & O`s are evenly distributed.
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
Didn`t have to do much to end my last relationship...she first told me that "opposites attract"...then a couple of days later she told me i was handsome, kind, smart, funny and loving...