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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
I feel bad for kids nowadays who can`t get the toys they want because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.
How could a man who is covered in tattoos be afraid of commitment?
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
There`s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they’re being annoying little bastards.
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
Her dad said he`d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!
I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son.