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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
"How much for the man cave?" "Sir that`s a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"
Currently in the planning stages for a hangover.
I have a land line just so that I still have the option to slam the phone down when I angrily hang up on someone.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
is clapping his hands and stomping his feet because he is happy and he knows it.
am feeling lazy......... jst like the guy who desighned the Japannese flag
I had a wet dream about you last night. Yeah, I was drowning you in a lake.
I just finish reading "50 shades of gray" by Sherwin Williams. I don`t see what all the hype is about these paint brochures.