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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
I think I need to return my GPS...no matter what it can`t help me find easy street
I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
I hate it when people come to MY house, knock on MY door then have the nerve to ask me why I`m not wearing pants.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
You`re so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
Who named them veterinarians and not "dogtors"?
I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
next time you`re at a movie point at the screen when a scene with extras are on and say to your buddy "look, there i am!" and see how many people look over at you in awe.
No one your age has any idea what they`re doing either. No matter what age you are.
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.
I`m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest any of you in despair and disappointment?
It`s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he`s getting hit by a train.