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Me, watching the Olympics: "That was impressive." Announcer: "ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"
Sometimes knowing exactly where you are does not make you any less lost.
I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
The brain is like the most outstanding organ. It works for 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
If you can`t think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you`re bilingual instead of an idiot.
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I`d go to hell for.
Once again I`ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
"keep moving.....nothing to see here"
I don`t mind being wrong, as long as nobody knows.
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
That sound the Ketch-up make when you squeeze out the last drop, NEVER fails in making people laugh
I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice.
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.