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People around me think I`m losing it. So today, I had to sit myself down and have a talk.
My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
The internet...turning cowards into tough guys daily.
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I`m certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.
Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?