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Why didn`t you tell me that I wasn`t going to like you
Considering I`m broke, I wonder if she`ll let me be her sugar-free daddy.
I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
Hi, im _____ but you could call me sexy.
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.
Common sense is like deodorant....The people who need it most never use it.
The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.