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Honestly, it`s not the way I look that reveals my age. It`s my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.
169 is still a sex position, but with a creepy guy watching.
Dear axe body spray, Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles. Best regards, Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
The Australian kiss is just like the French kiss but down under.
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
It`s not my official job but basically all I do is piss people off.
Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your a$$ smelling like meadows and rain drops?
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.