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Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
take me drunk i`m home
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
I don’t use Siri because I have to deal with enough women who have no personality and know everything.
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I need a new bad decision.
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".
I’d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
If we all had to wear a warning label, what would yours say?
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...