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"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
You don’t realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby or a dog...
Never fight anyone who bows to you first.
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
"Don`t try this at home"...Okay, i`ll try it at my friend`s house..
Sometimes you just have to logout...
Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.