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Wouldn’t it be great to hear a priest say “been there, done that” in reply to your confessed sins?
My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
Before we start this relationship, I am going to need you to explain a few pics in your Facebook albums.
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
Santa must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during hunting season?
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
I love that moment when I`m cruising down the highway listening to country music and I suddenly realize "wait a minute I can change the station!"
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
Nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries.
Don’t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I’ve changed since then.
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.