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Dear Santa: My sister is the "naughty" one ... trust me.
"Lazy" is a strong word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
Yoga pants are just push up bras for your butt.
Alcohol is never the answer. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?"
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
Don`t do it in the Garden, they say love is blind but ur neighbor ain`t.
I hate it when I’m singing along to a song, and the artist gets it wrong.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
what is the difference between a Fly and a mosquito? ``A fly can fly, But a Mosquito can`t mosquito``
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
When I was growing up, I was taught to walk and talk and when I was grown, I was told to sit down and STFU!!!
I bought the world`s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it`s terrible.
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.