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Going to drink straight from the carton because I`m a badass!
I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.
I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not?
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
Ordering a water with lemon says “I’m too cheap to buy a drink, but I still like a little zing.”
Dear who ever’s reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
I didn`t give you the finger...you earned it.
It`s bigger on the inside..said no woman, ever!
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.
I wish my bladder had a snooze button.
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
Don`t blame me, I was born awesome ;)
I`ve run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.