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What does lolz mean...Laugh out loud zebras?
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account and I got over it.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
What do they give the person that has everything? antibiotics
If I gave you a penny for your thoughts I`d totally be expecting some change back.
Why is it called tourist season if we can`t shoot them?
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
Why don`t the post office get the Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
Don`t be ashamed of who you are. That`s your parents job.
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"
I will vote for Donald Trump just to hear him tell Obama he`s fired!!
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"