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I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
If you got up this morning and ran straight to fb i am 100% POSITIVE its because you missed me.
life is unfair theres 6 days between monday and sunday but only 1 between sunday and monday
I’d like to think I’ve taught Citibank a valuable lesson about handing out credit cards all willy-nilly.
If it`s true that we are here on earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
I see you`re busy. I`ll come back later and ruin your free time.
I love my car. Without it, I would not be where I am today.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
There`s no law against twerking...but apparently it`s still frowned upon during jury duty.
"Let`s give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
You`re never too old to be spanked ...If you play your cards right.
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?