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The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.
Was sitting and doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
Music that is meant to be played at a reasonable volume is completely pointless.
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won`t be necessary.
Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason. - kids
Had another daydream where I`m doing the mexican hat dance and CIA guys watching me from satellites are dancing along in their control room
Why can’t we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.