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When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
How much do those guys who yell in the back of rap songs make? I could totally do that.
What do you mean this posting of the BBQ ribs you made is not an invite?
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
The problem with taking the road less traveled is the poor phone signal...
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do ...
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn`t be allowed to talk
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
"I want to be cuddled, but I want to be alone. Being crazy is hard." - WOMEN
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
It`s time to take the next big step in my relationship by popping the question to my girlfriend ....will you get me a beer :) (<>..<>)
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.