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I believe in karma that means I can do bad things to people I don’t like and assume they deserved it.
The black sheep always have the best stories.
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
It doesn`t matter how old you are, If you hear the ice cream truck jingle you jump out the window for that sh!t.
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
I just realised that sex is like air..its not important unless you are not getting any.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Hey Monday+?+(???) +?+
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
I don`t have a drinking problem........I just celebrate everything!!! Like the fact that I have pants on, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?